January 13, 2010

Residence Permit

I have very big news. On Tuesday, I received my residence permit. Some might wonder what took so long. After all, we have lived here almost six months. Why, you ask, have we only just received permission to do so?

Let me walk you through the US part of the process. Back in February of 2009, I began to gather the materials necessary to get our residence permit. You see, as an American, you are welcome to visit France for a period of up to 3 months. The French love American visitors. We spend money on stuff we think is French, but is actually made in Viet Nam. We ooh and ahh over really old stuff in the Louvre although we have absolutely no idea what the hell we're looking at. We provide the French with endless amusement as we try to navigate the metro, squinting at our maps and narrowly escaping death when the doors close on us. Finally, we allow them numerous opportunities to feel superior: the way we dress, the fact that we eat and drink while walking and driving (virtually a felony in France, although taking both hands off the wheel to smoke and talk on your cellphone is regarded with indulgent amusement), and of course our pathetic attempts to master their beautiful language. After 3 months, however, all we do is whine and the French need us to leave.

A short history lesson. In 1803, Thomas Jefferson negotiated the Louisiana Purchase (Vente de la Lousiane) in which the US paid 15 million dollars in exchange for the right of any American who wants to, to live in France. As you probably know, many famous Americans have taken advantage of this opportunity, including Ben Franklin, Ernest Hemingway, and Johnny Depp. Noted for driving a hard bargain, the French insisted that if they were going to agree to let us in, we had to agree to take the flyover states and some mosquito-plagued swampland off their hands, thereby creating the mistaken impression that the agreement was all about territory. The upshot is that the French have to let us live in their country. In response, they have developed the residence permit requirement, which ensures that only 11 of us actually make it there to live each year.

The process begins in the US. You need to make an appointment at the French consulate, which is staffed by French people, and bring with you the following documents:

Passport

Birth certificate

Proof of health insurance

Financial statements to prove that you have enough money to live in Paris

If you have children, you need to get all of these documents for them as well. Hopefully, you've documented babysitting income as well as cash gifts from grandparents, in anticipation.

When you arrive for your appointment, be prepared to wait an hour or more. Now, you might wonder why you have to wait so long if took the trouble to make an appointment.

It's not because the consulate staff are busy. In fact, they are not busy at all. There is a waiting room full of people and the consulate staff are playing computer games, chatting with their colleagues, taking a smoking break, or sitting at their empty desks looking bored. The purpose of making you wait is to introduce you to what life will be like in France. Appointments are not made to be kept. They are made to employ receptionists. The fact that you have made an appointment is completely irrelevant to how long you will have to wait.

When a consulate staffer finally deigns to see you, you will be very excited. This, after all, is the beginning of your French adventure! You might even want to say "Hi!" in your perky, American, way. Try to control this impulse. The staffer's mission is to suck every ounce of enthusiasm out of you. The happier you are, the more miserable he must make you. Don't take it personally; he's only doing his job.

After you are fingerprinted, he will ask for your documents. The important thing to remember, is that more is better. Volume counts. Make sure to bring 10 copies of everything with you. He only needs 3, but he will view your extra effort as an indication of at least a rudimentary understanding of the French system. Also make sure to bring lots and lots of passport photos. Again, while only 3 are required, the staff like put any extras on the bulletin board in the break room. They use them for darts, and for general mocking.

Examples:

"Hah! Look at her eyeshadow! So provincial!"

"Can you believe this guy? He is wearing Dick Cheney eyeglasses! Has he not heard of Armani?"

The staffer will spend lots of time looking at your financial records. Let's say over the course of a 20-year career, you have carefully socked money away in a 401K, skewed in favor of equity investments. Sure, you took a hit last year, but you're still in reasonably good shape. Whenever you see one of those programs about how much you need to save for retirement, you and your spouse exchange smug looks. You're right on track.

The consulate will see it differently. Regardless of how much you've amassed, the staffer will look at your bank statement and sneer. He might even take it and show it to his colleague at the next window and they will start to giggle uncontrollably. They are amused for two reasons.

1. The US dollar is worth about as much in euros as the guarani (Paraguay) is in dollars

2. A comfortable life in France requires a level of income typically reserved for hotel heiresses and former Intel employees.

3. Once you get to France, you will spend the monthly equivalent of a car payment on toilet paper.

So, no matter how much you have, it won't be nearly enough. The French find this incredibly funny. Remember, they think Jerry Lewis is funny, too.

Assuming all of your documents are in order, there is just one more small matter that needs to be addressed. The staffer must ask you for a document that you didn't know you needed.

Examples include, but are not limited to:

a letter of recommendation from your high school algebra teacher

an aerial photo of your house

transcripts of any appearances in traffic court (the French detest bad drivers)

any other document that you would never think of, and that is almost impossible to procure in the time left before you leave.

You see, French law prohibits accomplishing anything in just one try. If you protest that neither the consulate website nor the former consulate general (who happens to be your best friends father-in-law) said anything about needing this particular document, then you can be sure it will take you 3 or more visits to get your residence permit.

When you are told that you need to supply this document, the best strategy is to nod apologetically for your unforgivable oversight and thank the staffer for his valuable time.

When several months have passed and all of your documents are finally in order, you will be summoned to the consulate one last time. You might think, as I did, that you are going to pick up your residence permit. Think again.

Here's what will happen:

You. "Good morning. I am here to pick up my residence permit."

Staffer. "Have a seat. I am still finishing my coffee. Then I have to call my mother in France. After that, I will need a cigarette. Please be patient."

Two hours later.

You. "Good afternoon. I am here to pick up my residence permit."

Staffer. "Let me see all of the documents you have collected and presented over the last two months and I will spend half an hour going through all of them again, so that I can worry you."

Half an hour later.

Staffer. "Congratulations, Madame. All of your documents are in order. I now present you with your temporary visa."

You. "Thank you very much. I am very pleased to receive this temporary visa and very grateful for the opportunity to visit your country temporarily. However, I am planning to stay for a year and, as a result, I have applied for a residence permit, which I was hoping you could provide."

Staffer. "I'm sorry Madame, but you cannot get permission to live in France until you actually live in France. This visa will only permit you to enter the country. As soon as you arrive in France you will have to visit the National Office for Rejection and Humiliation of Foreigners to begin the process of applying for permission to apply for a residence permit."

You. "I am very grateful that you provided me with this important information. I note that the numerous hours I have spent over the last several months have been entirely without purpose. I further note that you never told me I was wasting my time. Nevertheless, I would like to thank you for all of the time I have spent preparing these documents and visiting your office for no reason."

Staffer. "Madame, you are more than welcome. I would like to caution you that the office in France is not nearly as efficient or friendly as we are here in the consulate. I would further caution you that the French office will require lots of additional documents, which they haven't even thought of yet. Of course, since they haven't thought of them, you have no way of knowing what they are. You will, therefore, have to spend hundreds of dollars and hours of time procuring these documents in the US and sending them to your French address. Finally, I would like to tell you that, beginning next Monday, we will introduce a new software system here at the consulate, which will allow Americans to receive their residence permits right here in the US. Had you waited until next Monday, which of course no one told you, you would have been much better off."

You (at this moment contemplating murder-suicide): "Would it be possible for me to start this process again on Monday, thereby avoiding the French office? I still have three months before I leave so there is plenty of time. I might also mention that all of my records are now in your system."

Staffer (visibly offended). "Of course not! That would be more convenient for you, I am sure. However, our mission is to make life as inconvenient for you as possible, thereby guaranteeing the employment of French civil servants. We have people sitting at the office in Paris who have even less to do than we do. It is important that we keep them busy."

You. "Thank you very much for briefly considering my request before rejecting it."

Staffer. "You are most welcome. Enjoy France."

Next week, I will describe what happens when you get to France.