April 18, 2010

We are sulking. Rob was supposed to arrive this morning for two weeks and, tomorrow, we were headed for Spain for 10 days. Instead, he's sitting in California and we are sitting in Paris. The volcano (and does anyone else find it odd, geologically, that there's a volcano erupting from under a glacier?) is standing between us. Metaphorical. Meteorological. Infuriating.

The problem here is that everyone is stuck in the wrong country. The British are mainly stuck in Spain, but there are a few sitting in Normandy looking mournfully across the channel. There have been reports that a few of them have stooped to knocking little old ladies off their bicycles, stealing the bikes and gaining passage on ferries as cyclists. The people that run Eurostar are giggling to themselves. Sure, they stranded people for nine hours in the Chunnel over Christmas, but three days? The Dutch are livid (probably because there are lots of Germans stuck in Holland) and they keep sending "test flights" up into Dutch air space, and then landing and saying: "See? No ash, no crash." They're flying planes to Dusseldorf next and, I'm guessing, stowing at least a few Germans on board.

The UK government estimates that 1 million Brits are stuck outside their home country. Their stiff upper lips are sagging, ever so slightly. Meanwhile, the Russians are keeping their airports open, since they can fly directly over the North Pole and skip the whole Icelandic mess.

The Spanish, who are desperate to get rid of the British so they can welcome the French and then complain about them, have demanded a pan-European videoconference call so they can discuss what to do next.

Spain: "Look, our southern airports are open. Please, please, open your airspace so we can send the British home. Some of them have actually developed tans; they have been here far too long. We are running out of Sangria."

UK: "Steady on, old chaps. It's a bit difficult here as well, you know. We have many disgruntled Americans who keep asking who's in charge, so they can scream at them."

France: "Speaking of which, who is in charge?"

Netherlands: "We thought you were."

France: "Are you kidding? Sarkozy and Carla are bickering. We don't have time to pay attention to some volcano in Greenland."

UK: "Just a few points. First, the volcano is in Iceland. Second, you've closed your airspace. Clearly you think there's some danger from the volcanic ash."

France: "The only volcanic ash we're worried about is what happens if Mt. Saint Carla blows. If Sarkozy so much as looks at another woman again, it won't be pretty. And, by the way, we closed our airspace because the UK did. Solidarity."

Spain: "By the way, France, nice touch that your railway workers decided to strike just now, removing yet another transportation alternative."

France: "At least you can tell there's a strike here. Your rail system is so pathetic, it's hard to tell the difference."

Italy: "Here's a thought. Let's send all stranded EU citizens to Greece. It's south, so their airspace hasn't been affected, and they owe us big time after we had to bail their ashes out last week. Let everyone park there for a few weeks, drink ouzo, trash hotel rooms, party like it's 2001. On the Greeks of course."

Germany: "That works for us. Bastards are going to cost Merkel the election."

France: "There's one other small problem. What about the Americans?"

Netherlands: "What about them?"

France: "Well, we've got a bunch here and we'll take the Brits over those idiots any day. They keep looking up at the sky to see if they can see any volcanic ash. We tell them to stay in their hotels, but they just show up at the airport every day, scanning the horizon for a United 777. Yesterday, they set up a volleyball net on the tarmac. And boy can they eat."

Italy: "Just thinking out loud, here, but what works for us whenever we have too many Americans is we bus them someplace. You put a bus in front of those people and they'll let you take them damn near anywhere."

France: "Thanks for the tip. We'll bus 'em down to Toulouse. Those traitors went against Sarkozy's party in the regional elections last month. This'll teach 'em to mess with us."

Spain: "What about the airspace issue? The Press is going to want to know what we accomplished here today. The airlines have been complaining that we're overly cautious."

UK: "It's just never enough for them, is it?"

Netherlands: "That's on us. We flew those planes up just get some good photos and the airlines seized on it."

Germany: "Let's say we'll each open our air spaces when the CEOs of our respective major airlines agree to be passengers on the first planes up."

UK: "You've been watching Obama work the Republicans again on C-Span, haven't you?"

Here's hoping you get to where you're going this week.