November 1, 2009

Losing our Grippe

Well, it's been quite a week. We were to have left for Amsterdam on Wednesday and return last night. Didn't happen. Erin was a little under the weather on Sunday. On Monday, Megan and Claire started feeling ill. By Tuesday everyone (except me) was down with a high fever, body aches, and a cough that sounded truly frightening. Now, I know what you're thinking. Who can blame you? I thought it too. It's here, it's bad, and we've caught it. H1N1!! I got a call from another parent. One of Claire's classmates, who has asthma, had tested positive. So, I called the doctor.

As you may recall, last summer the French had assigned legions of officials to the issue of "la grippe." Committees were convened, emergency measures were designed, kissing was outlawed, masks were distributed and sneezing in public was strictly prohibited. Now it was time to reap the rewards of a careful, albeit bureaucratic, process. I admit, I thought to myself, "I made fun of them last summer, but darn if they weren't right. Now, I can relax. They're prepared. I'll get the kids tested, we'll be quarantined, we'll get to wear those cool masks. We're in good hands. Step 1: call the doctor.

The conversation went something like this.

Me. "My three kids have the following symptoms: blah blah blah."

Doctor. "Probably just a cold."

Me. "Yeah, I don't think so. High fever, blah blah blah."

Doctor. "I'm sure it's just a cold."

Me. "Well, just the same, I'd like to get them tested."

Doctor. "For what?"

Me, to myself. "Are you f---'ing kidding me?"

Me, to the doctor. "For H1N -

Doctor. "LALALALA."

Me. "Excuse me?"

Doctor. "I am singing a lovely French song. We sang it during La Resistance."

Me. "Uh, very catchy. As I was saying, I think my kids might have the H-"

Doctor. "LALALALA! I cannot hear you! I will continue to sing my lovely song from La Resistance until you stop trying to say this stupid thing that I refuse to hear!"

It occurs to me that singing a lovely song is going to do us about as much good resisting la grippe as it did during La Resistance but, to my everlasting credit, I keep this thought to myself.

Me. "Well, my kids are really sick. What do you suggest?"

She advised fluids and rest. Medical school has really paid off.

After extensive research, I think I've figured out what's going on. The French have been preparing for the H1N1 for many months. All of these preparations have left them completely exhausted. Consequently, they have absolutely no energy left to execute the plan. Of course, if the virus strikes and they don't execute the plan, they'll look like incompetent imbeciles. More committees will be convened, more studies will be completed, and heads will most certainly roll (the French take this last expression quite seriously. For more information, see Marie Antoinette, circa October, 1793).

So, somewhere in the Elysee Palace last September, officials got together over a casual lunch of pate foie gras, coquille Saint-Jacques and a nice bottle of Rhone Roussanne and decided that actually allowing the virus to infect the French was a no-win situation. The question was how to prevent it? How to stop it at the borders?

One French official said to the others, "If we don't ever call it H1N1, then it isn't, right?" He said this in French, of course, with the requisite hand gestures, shrugs, and smirks. The other officials slapped him on the back, had a cigarette together, and went back to work on other important national problems, like how to get Sarkozy's son to move to the Amazon.

And so, the following policy has been implemented. While there are 17 H1N1 testing centers in Paris, you can only get tested if you meet the following criteria:

1. You are already dead. That way, the government can point to your death as a serious underlying condition that made you more susceptible to the virus than had you been alive.
2. You are very, very old. As in over 100 years old. Chances are that you will be dead very soon, especially since all of the testing centers are located in the as-yet-unidentified-but-probably-terminal-and-definitely-highly-infectious disease wing of local hospitals. As you shuffle slowly down the hall to get your test, you will inhale all sorts of horrible germs from other diseases that will quickly kill you (please refer to #1 above).


Doctors have been strictly instructed not to so much as entertain the possibility that anyone still alive has the virus. Meanwhile, the French government is congratulating itself on its state of emergency preparedness and has offered to serve as a reference center for other nations interested in learning how to contain this dreadful virus. After their afternoon nap.