November 22, 2009

French Dudes
French men (Frenchmen?) fall into distinct categories. First you have the presidential, corporate titan types. These are the ones you see in the movies; they are generally the size of Armand Assante and they dress in long cashmere coats, cashmere scarves, and expensive suits. They don't actually wear the coats of course; that's a sure sign of weakness. Instead, they drape them over their shoulders. You spot this species only occasionally during daylight hours; he is usually being driven somewhere in a black car with tinted windows. When he does venture out on the street during the day, he is distinguishable by his rapid walk, the cigarette dangling elegantly from his index and middle fingers, the full size umbrella, and the cellphone attached to his ear. He is usually scowling.

The really interesting ones are the middle management types. These fellows are everywhere. They ride the metro, the bus, and the free bicycles that are available throughout the city. They dress very, very badly. Typically very skinny suits (jacket sleeves often a tad too short), tangerine shirts, large horn-rimmed glasses, and an excess of gel in the hair. Jerry Lewis meets Buddy Holly. They also smoke, but they hold their cigarettes between the thumb and index finger. The distinguishing feature of the middle manager is his shoes. They are very long and very pointy. Combined with the skinny suit, this gives him the appearance of a court jester. Which is probably exactly right for a middle manager. The middle manager opts for one of two styles when it comes to winter coats: bathrobe (long and fuzzy, with a tie belt), or Eastern European mobster (long black leather). Middle manager wears the coat because, well, it's cold. Scarf is usually very bright, probably borrowed from significant other and umbrella is the compact fold-up type.

Then you've got your miscellaneous student (short jacket with epaulets, tight jeans, bright and shiny athletic shoes, scarf in primary color, ipod) and worker types (baggy jeans, baggy shirt, baggy jacket, baggy eyes, plaid scarf circa 1970). No umbrellas for either group; these men are water resistant.

Apart from the sheer anthropological fascination with the subspecies of French Man, it is important to be able to identify them from a distance. For example, never approach corporate titan/presidential type without being invited. He is dangerous, particularly when dining with his 23-year old mistress, and will attack without provocation.

And where does French Man go for a hair cut? I am glad you asked! Corporate titan/presidential dude has it done in the office by a visiting barber. Middle manager goes to a place called "Fabio Salsa." Because what guy wants to get his hair cut at a place that's just called "Fabio?" Where's the spice? Where's the zest? Worker/student does it himself with uneven results.

I was on the metro earlier this week and an elderly man tottered slowly on right before the doors closed. It was a pretty crowded train and I was sitting in a seat reserved for just such a person. So I offered it to him. "Certainly not," he said indignantly. "I am only eighty-seven and quite fresh." Youbetcha.

Happy Thanksgiving!